Well, that was disappointing.  I actually wasn’t expecting much because superhero movies always tend to be high on action and thin on plot and if there’s no story then I’m not interested.  But Batman Begins was actually pretty good, you know, with all the Christian Baleyness and everything.

But the Dark Knight just kind of sucked.  It was long and mostly boring.  I don’t give a shit about car chases and fights scenes.  They serve no purpose other than giving fanboys and fratboys something to masturbate over.  I require narrative.  And there actually is a pretty complex story present in this film but none of the elements are particularly interesting except for one character: the Joker. 

If you’re planning on seeing this movie you should stop reading now.  I may slip in some SPOILERS and that’s no fun so go ahead and skip to the niquehead count if you haven’t seen this yet.  If you have seen it then keep reading so you can agree with the following assessment:

The late Heath Ledger is made of awesome.  I cannot even fully explain just how enthralling he is as the Joker.  In fact he is so good that everything and everyone else pales in comparison.  Even Christian Bale, who could just stand around and look intense (which he does a lot of here) and be entertaining is completely blown out of the water by the pure win that is Ledger’s performance.  Unfortunately I was sitting next to a nervous nelly of a chick for this screening and she jumped and gasped at every little thing in the movie and fuck, I wanted to kill her.  Ugh. Hate.  But I couldn’t blame her when Ledger was on screen.  The man is creepy is what I’m saying.  Sinister, menacing and absolutely believable as a villain, which is what makes him so cool.  He is the perfect badguy because he’s brutal and evil and scary and yet you love him for it because he commits to it so fully, because it seeps out of his pores, because he embodies it, because he simply IS it.  “It” being total badassery.  He’s not just some cartoon in face paint, he is a serious mo-fo that you don’t want to mess with and yet you can’t help but understand why he successfully attracts underlings despite his tendency to kill them as often as he recruits them, because dayum, who wouldn’t want to hang out with someone who rocks so fully?

And props to the makeup people too because that shit looked good.  Creepy good.  Remember Jack Nicholson’s Joker and how stupidly cartoonish he looked?  They got it right this time.  They kept the classic comic book Joker look and yet made it believable and genuinely scary. 

But yeah, everything else?  Bleh.  I could not have cared less about any of the Harvey Dent shit.  I felt like that aspect of the story fell into the classic “show, don’t tell” trap.  The characters kept telling us that Dent was their last hope and their hero and he’s so good and blah blah blah but I didn’t see it!  He just came across as a douche and I got impatient waiting for him to go bad.  And when he finally did it was just like, ooooh yeah, I’m really scared by your burned up face, yawn, where’s the Joker?

And Maggie Gyllenhaal, what the fuck are you doing in this movie?  I know you need to pay your bills and all but seriously?  Picking up Katie Holmes’ sloppy seconds?  This role is so far beneath you it’s embarrassing.  The character of Rachel-borefest-Dawes has absolutely nothing to do in this movie.  NOTHING!  What, you endorse Harvey Dent and then write Bruce Wayne a note?  That does not make you a fully realized character! It makes you window dressing!  I don’t expect to find compelling female characters in superhero movies because I know that they are mostly just fodder for circle jerks.  Is it ironic that heterosexual men have no interest in seeing women obstruct their view of other men punching things, or is it just pathetic?  Either way I find the Batman world to be particularly misogynistic, even grading on the curse that is superhero comics.  Because the worst offense isn’t a negative portrayal of a woman, but the absense of women altogether.  And Rachel Dawes isn’t even from the comic! They just threw her in there so Bruce could kiss someone.  But she may as well not even be in the movie, that’s how pointless she is.  Shit, even the subservient Pepper Potts is more intriguing than Rachel Dawes.

Oh yeah!  And the ending sucked!  It was RETARDED!  If I didn’t already hate the movie it would have ruined it for me.  It was soooo stupid and contrived that Batman **spoiler alert** decides to take the fall for Dent’s bad acts.  I mean WTF?  Why?  Why not just blame them on the Joker?  MAKES NO SENSE!

Whew! Ok, I think I’m done.  Damn, who would have thought I’d get so worked up over a popcorn flic?  (Anyone who knows me I guess). 

Bottom line:  3 niqueheads and all 3 are for the Joker.  [rating:30]

You know, it really sucks that Heath Ledger has passed on.  Sucks for the poor sap who gets cast as the Joker in the next installment.  Because the character is iconic so they can’t write him out.  And yet no one will ever be able to live up to Ledger’s performance. Instead of the Dark Knight they should have called this movie: “Heath Ledger as the Joker” and the subtitle should have been: “But everything else is crap so come watch Heath Ledger be awesome and wet your pants over the win that is his portrayal of the Joker but take a nap during any scene that does not involve his awesomeness”  but I guess that would have been too long.

RIP Heath Ledger.  You rock.

To Christian Bale: Fret not.  I’ll still go see you in the next Terminator movie.

To Maggie Gyllenhaal: I hope it was worth it.

To Chris Nolan: Fuck you!