May 24

Terminator: Salvation

So, so, so disappointing.  What the hell happened with Christian Bale?  He used to be so awesome but then he started talking in a gravelly voice to be Batman and now he won’t let it go.  I know he’s a good actor because I’ve seen his other work, but he makes a shitty John Connor.  Thomas Dekker pwns him.  I mean for serious.  All this movie does is make you long for the TV show.  Seriously, the Sarah Connor Chrominomicles is SO much better than this pointless movie.  It’s really disappointing that the series got cancelled because even though it meandered a lot and did some things I didn’t agree with, it had a kick ass finale that set up what looked to be an amazing third season.  That we will never get that third season but instead get the schlock that was this movie… *sigh*  What a world, what a world. 

Terminator: Salvation is very entertaining.  Post-apocalyptic futures are always cool and the action sequences, special effects and robots on display here are wicked awesome.  There were a few sequences that practically had my jaw fall to the floor but apart from that it’s all shit. 

Why the fuck is Bryce Dallas Howard in this movie?  She’s not a huge star but she’s a big enough name that she deserves better than to be the most useless Kate who ever did Kate.  Remember the third Terminator movie?  Probably not, because it wasn’t very good.  But Claire Danes had a shitload more to do as Kate than BDH does.  She is beyond pointless in this movie.  I have no idea why she is in it.  I guess just for continuity???  Everytime she was on screen I just sat there confused.  Why does she look like a supermodel while everyone else is grungy?  I mean it’s a post-apocalyptic future!  Where did she find the lipstick and blow dryer!?  What the fucking fuck?!?!?!

There is one other female character in this movie and she was ok.  I liked her actually but man, the dudes who wrote this script did so with their thumbs up their asses because while she started out cool she very, very quickly became retarded.  God, whatever, it’s not even worth talking about.  The only other characters in this movie are interchangeable.  There’s John Connor, Marcus Wright and Kyle Reese.  It’s cool to see a teenaged Kyle and Marcus was also pretty decent but my issue is that these three dudes are ALL THE SAME!  It actually makes sense for Kyle and John to be similar because they are father and son but why is Marcus John 2.0?  Marcus is the new terminator.  I don’t consider that to be a spoiler because you see it in the trailer so there it is.  He’s the new Arnold but all like sensitive and shit but all he did was make me long for Summer Glau.  How come they couldn’t make the new terminator different from John Connor?  I mean really?  He was in fact so eerily similar to John that I kept thinking there was going to be a point to it.  I really thought he was going to kill John and take over his identity or something, that’s how identical they were!!!  I really wanted Summer Glau or Shirley Manson to come along and be like, listen up dudes, THIS is how you play a terminator!  Take some fucking notes!

I think the third movie proved that you can’t have a Terminator movie without Sarah Connor.  She is the essence of this universe, not John.  That’s why the show is named after her for god’s sake!  They kind of realize that in this movie, so they show her picture and John is seen listening to the tapes she made for him but once again, if you have seen the series, this movie will just make you weep for its cancellation.  In the show they give you a sense of why John is the savior of mankind.  It’s cryptic but you get the idea that they are leading up to something.  In this movie you just sit there wondering why Christian Bale is using his Batman voice.  Why is John so special?  Oh, it’s ’cause he’s not!  He is not special!  He does nothing but talk to peeps over the radio and supposedly inspire them.  Whatevs dude, pick up crochet if you need a hobby.

The more I think about it the less I like this movie.  As I said, it was fun to watch.  Good action, sweet robots.  But dumb script, dump plot, dumb characters.  You know what’s weird though?  I had a trippy experience seeing this movie because I saw it with someone who liked it.  I usually go to see movies with people who have similar views as I do but I saw this one with a friend of a friend who IS the target audience.  He is the demographic marketing dudes swoon over.  He is a white male aged 18 to whatever and he fucking jizzed all over himself throughout this entire film.  I mean he loved it so much I kind of wanted to switch seats because I was so sick of him clapping every two seconds.  For reals y’all.  It was so surreal.  After it was over he went on and on about how awesome it was and I sort of had an epiphany.  So THAT’S why these movies get made.  THAT’S why there are never any compelling female or non-white characters (which he didn’t even notice until I pointed it out and even then he couldn’t see why it was a problem!!!!!).  THAT’S why 90% of the movie is about shit getting blown up.  THAT’S why the love story is so cheesy and underwritten.  THAT’S why the ending made me roll my eyes from the sheer corniness and non-sensicalness.  Because of dudes like him.  God, life sucks. 

In all sincerity I apologize for being so insulting towards this guy.  He doesn’t know me and he hasn’t earned the abuse those who know me have learned to expect.  He was a nice guy and he has every right to live his life enjoying drek like this.  But his enjoyment of the movie just makes me depressed because it means they’re gonna greenlight the fucking sequel.

I’m still giving this shit 3 niqueheads because the robot design, seriously?  The non-humanoid ones?  Fucking kick-ass.  And even though I complained about them blowing shit up, the action sequences were rad.  At one point they actually try to blow something up and fail and it made my heart sing.  It was one tiny pebble of realism in a sea of retardation.  And in the summer of suck a pebble will get you a niquehead.  [rating:30]


9 Comments so far

  1. KC May 25th, 2009 6:52 am

    You can’t say retarded anymore.

  2. kebes May 25th, 2009 8:54 am

    Well I was holding out a sliver of hope for this movie… but based on your review I won’t bother going to a theater.

    By the way I’m not convinced that you can’t have a good Terminator movie/show without Sarah Connor. To be sure she was awesome and central in the first two movies, and you cannot write her out of the plot without ruining the whole concept. But I think it was somewhat a mistake to name the TV series after her. Because they ran out of range with her very early on, and thus had painted themselves into a script-writing corner. Sarah is not two-dimensional, but she is fanatic, and like all fanatics her reactions are pretty predictable. This makes her a perfect character for a movie but it gets old in a TV Series. By comparison John and Cameron had many more opportunities to surprise and grow.

  3. Nique May 25th, 2009 11:37 am

    But she doesn’t have to be THAT much of a fanatic. I mean, there’s a difference between fanatic and crazy. It makes sense for her to be single-minded and driven in her cause to protect John but they didn’t have to make her coocoo for coco puffs, as they did with the three dots thing, which by the way, she ended up being right about so nevermind, she wasn’t crazy after all. She rocks.

    And it might be worth seeing in the theatre if you like action movies because the robot scenes are cool beans.

  4. kebes May 25th, 2009 1:21 pm

    Yeah I agree that Sarah is fanatic but not crazy. Or at least she should be. But her single-mindedness just makes her a predictable character. Nothing wrong with that: but it’s hard to build a whole show around that.

    As for the three dots, yeah she was right. But that annoys me… because she had no good reason for being right. So either she was lucky or psychic. Neither is particularly compelling.

  5. Nique May 25th, 2009 3:07 pm

    She knew about the dots because she saw them on the wall where the future dude scrawled them in blood. Everyone else dismissed them as nonsense but she knew they had meaning. She is detail-oriented and analyzes everything and figures everything has meaning and it all leads back to Skynet and in the Termiverse, she’s right, everything does lead back to Skynet.

  6. kebes May 25th, 2009 4:36 pm

    Okay, good point about the wall-scrawl. I’d forgotten about that. It still doesn’t sit right with me–in fiction I prefer revelations that plausibly build on the data at hand. Those three dots, as other characters kept pointing out, could have meant anything. I get the point they are trying to make, about her paranoia and obsession with details ultimately being right, but they could have made the point more credibly.

    Anyways, it feels pointless arguing about those details now that it’s canceled. I guess I’ll have to invent a cool conclusion to the cliff-hanger for myself…

  7. Nique May 25th, 2009 5:23 pm

    I’ve heard whisperings of a straight to DVD movie to wrap it up but that’s probably wishful thinking.

  8. Caro June 6th, 2009 12:45 pm

    Whats it like to go to the movies?
    It’s been so long I can’t remember

  9. Nique June 7th, 2009 5:29 pm

    Fun if you like watching movies with spasmodic assholes who make noise the whole wray through.

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