So you know how sometimes life is just too good and you think to yourself \u201cwow, I really wish everything would turn to shit so I could get back to living in hell\u201d?\u00a0 Well, when you get that feeling I recommend taking a few steps to remedy the situation.<\/p>\n
\u00a0Here\u2019s what to do: Break up with your longtime significant other.\u00a0 Then decide you must sell the condo you share with him and move to a new one ASAP.\u00a0 Tell your real estate agent that you want to buy before you sell but let her brow beat you into selling at the speed of light.\u00a0 The agent for the buyers will be a complete imbecile and will screw up the paperwork for the offer and it\u2019ll be mildly amusing but also worrying.\u00a0 You\u2019ll immediately start to feel uneasy about the sale because of the uncertainty.\u00a0 You won\u2019t have bought a new place yet so you\u2019ll be nervous about where you\u2019re going to live and you\u2019ll only have 2 months to find a place. This uneasiness will get the ball rolling towards feeling like shit.<\/p>\n
\u00a0For some reason you\u2019ll decide to get major eye surgery around the same time.\u00a0 So you\u2019ll be uncomfortable and have blurry vision when you come home to find the buyer\u2019s inspector in your place.\u00a0 He\u2019ll take about a million years to do his inspection and he won\u2019t know what he\u2019s doing.\u00a0 The buyers will have to point out certain defects to him and he\u2019ll look stunned like the delayed moron he is. You\u2019ll sit there on the couch willing the buyers\/inspector\/agent to leave so you can go to bed and recover but they\u2019ll simply linger in your home, chit-chatting about their collective idiocy. It\u2019ll turn out that the inspector isn\u2019t even credited and is carrying around a card from a company that went out of business years ago.\u00a0 But no matter, it\u2019s the buyers who lose out on that deal.\u00a0 They\u2019ll also choose a really stupid notary though.\u00a0 You\u2019ll ask the notary if your brother with whom you originally bought the property should sign a power of attorney so someone else can sign for him at the closing since he doesn\u2019t live in the country.\u00a0 He will come home for Thanksgiving and be available for signing a POA but the notary will say this isn\u2019t necessary.\u00a0 This will be important later on.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0Next, you should go house hunting and discover that everything on the market is a piece of dog dropping.\u00a0 You\u2019ll start to feel discouraged right away.\u00a0 Eventually you\u2019ll find a cute little place and make an offer on it only to be outbid by someone else.\u00a0 This will be very disappointing \u2018cause it was such a lovely little condo and you\u2019ll have handled a fuckload of paperwork which you had to run around to submit because you don\u2019t have a fax machine or printer at home so you had to go to the office at night to deal with it.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be a serious pain in the ass but oh well, back to the drawing board.\u00a0 You\u2019ll be a bit shaken up so the next condo you make an offer on you won\u2019t even go back for a second visit, you\u2019ll just make an offer and hope for the best.\u00a0 But the current owners won\u2019t want to move out by the date you need and the whole thing will fall apart.\u00a0 You\u2019ll have gone through more paperwork and you\u2019ll start to feel desperate.\u00a0 At this point you\u2019ll only have a month left to find a condo so you\u2019ll go back to a different condo you saw in the same area and you\u2019ll make an offer on that one, even though it has a few features you\u2019re not too thrilled with.\u00a0 This time your offer will be accepted and you\u2019ll be relieved about that.\u00a0 So with renewed hope, you\u2019ll schedule an inspection of the property.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0Now here\u2019s where everything will really start to get good.\u00a0 You\u2019ll go to the inspection only to discover that the seller\u2019s agent doesn\u2019t have the key to the basement and the current owner will be nowhere to be found.\u00a0 The inspector will inform you that he can\u2019t complete the inspection without seeing the basement but he suspects it won\u2019t look good \u2018cause he sees some signs that the building is shifting.\u00a0 The seller\u2019s agent will be a complete tool who seems to give no shit about your predicament but he\u2019ll give you access to the current owner\u2019s inspection from two years ago which reveals that the foundation is craptacular.\u00a0 You\u2019ll hope she took care of the problems and will wait around for hours, hoping she comes home and when she doesn\u2019t you\u2019ll have wasted an entire day.\u00a0 A day you should have been at work preparing an important financial report for your boss.\u00a0 You\u2019ll eventually go back to the office and work late so you can complete that report.\u00a0 Just to make things extra fun, things at work will be really tense and uncomfortable.\u00a0 Everyone will be running around like chickens with their heads cut off, paranoid about getting fired because the new Chairman of the board will be a nutball dipshit who is ruining everyone\u2019s lives and interfering with their work.\u00a0 That stupidly useless financial report you worked on will have been requested by him and it\u2019ll really be a pointless exercise in the end.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0You\u2019ll more or less bury your head in the sand where work is concerned. You\u2019ll shelter yourself from all the politics and drama and concentrate on your living situation, or lack thereof.\u00a0 A few days later you\u2019ll go back to that crappy condo for the second part of the inspection only to discover that the building is indeed structurally unsound and you can\u2019t buy it.\u00a0 This will be awesome \u2018cause you\u2019ll be super depressed.\u00a0 The current owner will seem completely unbothered by the situation and will admit to having tried to sell you a lemon.\u00a0 You\u2019ll curse her name and go see a few more condos but they will all suck and you\u2019ll have a little breakdown.\u00a0 Breakdowns are great because they really help to drive home those feeling of panic and desperation.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0Now if you\u2019re weak, you might turn to alcohol but if you\u2019re strong you\u2019ll pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep looking for condos.\u00a0 Of course by this point you\u2019ll only have three weeks until you need to move out of your current condo.\u00a0 The buyers will be completely annoying pieces of shit who keep pressuring you to move out even sooner and you\u2019ll take pleasure in telling them to fuck off and die.\u00a0 They\u2019ll want to come over and measure their new home and you\u2019ll pass off that bullshit to your ex \u2018cause you just won\u2019t be able to deal with it.\u00a0 You\u2019ll come home one night exhausted and drained and they\u2019ll be hanging out, shooting the shit and you\u2019ll just want them to leave so you can shower and eat and plan your suicide in peace.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0Now things will get really interesting.\u00a0 You\u2019ll find the condo of your dreams.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be gorgeous and exactly your style.\u00a0 You\u2019ll start to feel hopeful and happy.\u00a0 It\u2019ll almost seem too good to be true and naturally that\u2019ll turn out to be exactly the case.\u00a0 You\u2019ll get another inspection and this condo will turn out to be even worse than the last one.\u00a0 Completely structurally unsound.\u00a0 Your heart will be utterly shattered.\u00a0 This will have been your ideal home and you won\u2019t be able to have it.\u00a0 It\u2019ll turn out to be all style and no substance, just like the work of Frank Miller.\u00a0 Fortunately you\u2019ll get to savour a little bit of schadenfreude from the current owner being shocked and dismayed by the news and the look of horror on her face will warm your cold, dead heart because it\u2019ll be what she deserves for having bought a condo without getting it inspected first.\u00a0 Fucking tardsprocket.<\/p>\n
\u00a0Now you\u2019ll have spent about $1,000.00 on inspections and both properties will have turned out to be shitholes.\u00a0 Your realtor will laugh and marvel at all the useless paperwork you\u2019ve gone through.\u00a0 She\u2019ll inform you that this has never happened to her before in over a decade in the business.\u00a0 Two bad inspections?\u00a0 How incredible.\u00a0 How hilarious.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be really awesome to have her laugh at the situation when all you want to do is cry.\u00a0 Obviously you\u2019ll have another meltdown.\u00a0 You\u2019ll feel broken, you\u2019ll feel depressed, you\u2019ll feel like you\u2019re drowning.\u00a0 You\u2019ll be emotionally and psychologically exhausted and you\u2019ll only have two weeks left to find something.\u00a0 Clearly you\u2019ll have to come to terms with imminent homelessness.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be really awesome how all your friends and colleagues will constantly ask you about your living situation.\u00a0 You\u2019ll have to tell the same depressing stories over and over again.\u00a0 Each time you tell them you\u2019ll need to relive the horror, which will go a long way towards helping you reach that goal of experiencing a nervous breakdown.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0At this point, you\u2019ll still be living with your ex.\u00a0 He\u2019ll be packing up to move to an apartment and you\u2019ll notice all the shit about him that always pissed you off.\u00a0 You\u2019ll be extremely resentful that you\u2019ve had to do all the work to sell your condo and he just sat around and waited for everything to fall into place.\u00a0 He\u2019ll keep expecting you to do everything and will offer no help in your direction.\u00a0 He won\u2019t clean up after himself and he\u2019ll keep using all the stuff you buy and you\u2019ll wake up one morning to find absolutely no toilet paper or Kleenex in the house.\u00a0 On the day he moves out he\u2019ll leave the place in disarray, littered with trash bags that you\u2019ll need to rush down three flights of stairs before the garbage trucks pass.\u00a0 You\u2019ll have to work hard to keep the anger at bay so as not to blow up at him, making things that much worse.\u00a0 People will tell you that you shouldn\u2019t expect him to be helpful or useful since you broke up with him but you\u2019ll remind said people that you only broke up with him because he failed to deliver on a promise and that\u2019s enough said about that.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0Just when you will truly believe that all hope is lost and you\u2019ll have to move into the cardboard box on the corner, you\u2019ll be contacted by the owners of the second condo you tried to buy and they\u2019ll reopen negotiations.\u00a0 You\u2019ll want to tell them to fuck off just out of spite but your desperation will spur you on.\u00a0 Fortunately it\u2019ll still be a seller\u2019s market and you\u2019ll have to offer more than you think the property is worth, which will be totally awesome because at this point you\u2019ll really be starting to feel the financial strain.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0Throughout all of this there will be days of emails being thrown back and forth between your agent and your buyer\u2019s notary.\u00a0 You\u2019ll get sick to death of playing go between for them and your ex and you\u2019ll insist that they include him in the email chain.\u00a0 The notary will claim that she needs a power of attorney from your brother and your agent will lay down a righteous smackdown to shame her for having previously claimed not to need it.\u00a0 Smackdown or no, she\u2019ll still need the POA and so forms will have to be sent to the States and your brother will need to get a lawyer and it\u2019ll all cost a pretty penny and of course you\u2019ll have to swallow those fees as well.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be infuriating how you\u2019ll have to literally pay for someone else\u2019s incompetence.\u00a0 The notary will continue to frack things up by doing some questionable math to determine who earns what in the sale.\u00a0 Everyone at the table will contest her calculations and it\u2019ll actually be slightly amusing to see her struggle to understand logic and non-dumbassery.\u00a0 As you\u2019re leaving the closing the buyers will ask to come by again for more measurements.\u00a0 You\u2019ll tell them to call you, knowing full well they don\u2019t have your number and when they email asking for it, you\u2019ll ignore them and hope they contract H1N1 and go the hell back to France to infect that shit-ass country.\u00a0 But your ex will give them your number and they\u2019ll hound you endlessly and inform you that they have scheduled deliveries to occur before their possession date (!!!!!).\u00a0 Yes, seriously, these buyers will be so ignorant and\/or greedy that they will actually try to move in before you are out!\u00a0 You will need to inform them in no uncertain terms that they cannot get the condo before the official possession date and hells no, you will not hang around the condo during work days to accept their deliveries.\u00a0 I mean\u2026 WHAT?\u00a0 They will seriously be hounding you so relentlessly to take the condo before they are entitled to it that the hounding will reach harassment levels and you will need to tell them quite clearly to leave you the fuck alone.\u00a0 They will respond apologetically and you\u2019ll think you\u2019ve finally fixed that particular problem but then they\u2019ll actually start hounding your agent and she\u2019ll forward all their messages to you.\u00a0 You will be pissed as hell and will need to engage in deep breathing exercises to keep your calm.\u00a0 In truth, you will be moving out before the official possession date but your resentfulness will almost make you keep that information from those fantastically finked out fucktards.\u00a0 In the end you will do what is most convenient for you but trust that you will burn effigies of those asswipes before you hand over the keys.\u00a0 Trust.\u00a0 TRUST!<\/p>\n
\u00a0Meanwhile you\u2019ll schedule another inspection for the latest condo you\u2019ll be trying to buy and you\u2019ll be running on nothing more than momentum.\u00a0 You won\u2019t have any hope left and when you go to the inspection you\u2019ll be stunned by how tall the seller\u2019s agent is.\u00a0 This will not be the least bit relevant to anything at all but it\u2019ll be remarkable all the same.\u00a0 Now things will actually start to look up so if your ultimate mission is death by stress you should probably pull out at this point.\u00a0 But if you want to swing back towards sanity you\u2019ll be cautiously pleased by the news that this condo is in tip top shape.\u00a0 And your agent will even pay for the inspection!\u00a0 You won\u2019t be able to move into the new place in time but you\u2019ll have an awesome friend who offers to put you up for a few weeks.\u00a0 Your ex will help you clean your current condo and you\u2019ll give him his cheque for the sale and agree to hold his condo fee cheque the buyers will make out \u2018cause oh yeah, they\u2019ll screw up the first cheques they give you and you won\u2019t be allowed to cash them, \u2018cause they really will be just that wacktarded.\u00a0 Have I mentioned that you will burn effigies of them?\u00a0 TRUST!\u00a0 And then, THEN, weeks later they\u2019ll inform you that oh yeah, those original cheques are still good after all, go ahead and cash them.\u00a0 So you\u2019ll have to go out of your way to get your ex\u2019s cheque back to him and ARGH!\u00a0 BUYERS MUST DIE!\u00a0 BURN EFFIGIES NOW!\u00a0 KILL, DESTROY, WRATH OF KHAN!<\/p>\n
\u00a0You\u2019ll pack all your stuff and hire professional movers \u2018cause you ain\u2019t no fool.\u00a0 The closing of your new purchase will go relatively smoothly, even though you\u2019ll have to wait over half an hour for the vendor to show up \u2018cause apparently your time won\u2019t be as valuable as hers.\u00a0 You\u2019ll move in with a relatively new friend and you\u2019ll give her your old appliances and it\u2019ll actually be pretty fun to hang with her and her boyfriend.\u00a0 You\u2019ll even start to think that the entire ordeal was worth it just so you could enjoy the highly enriching experience of living with them for two weeks; an experience that will help you grow as a person and teach you the true meaning of Christmas.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0You\u2019ll be eternally grateful for this person\u2019s friendship, not least because she\u2019ll have introduced you to a man who will support you emotionally throughout the entire ordeal.\u00a0 It\u2019ll be genuinely awesome, not Alanis Morissette ironic awesome and you\u2019ll realize that even though you had to wade through a whole pile of velociraptor vomit, you\u2019ll come out the other side possessing a strength you didn\u2019t know you had and feeling an intensity of emotion you didn\u2019t know you wanted to feel.\u00a0 Of course you\u2019ll go through some turmoil with that budding relationship as well, since it\u2019ll be a largely long distance relationship and there will be some more financial strain due to Rogers fucking you over, but you\u2019ll also acknowledge that you\u2019re sitting pretty financially if you compare yourself to others of your ilk.\u00a0 In spite of inspection fees, agent fees, moving fees, notary fees, buyers are stupid asshole idiot fees and welcome tax you\u2019ll have made a pretty penny on your condo sale, having completed your mortgage payments in six years, which will be rather impressive considering you were working for minimum wage with no benefits during two of those years.\u00a0 Your new place will only take about another six years to be paid off, which will be pretty sweet so even though you\u2019ll be feeling discouraged and bedraggled and stressed out, you\u2019ll know that you\u2019re actually doing decently well in the game of life and that\u2019s Why You Will Be Better Than Everybody Else.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So you know how sometimes life is just too good and you think to yourself \u201cwow, I really wish everything would turn to shit so I could get back to living in hell\u201d?\u00a0 Well, when you get that feeling I recommend taking a few steps to remedy the situation. \u00a0Here\u2019s what to do: Break up […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[11,10,64],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1451"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1451"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1451\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1452,"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1451\/revisions\/1452"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1451"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1451"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.niqueworks.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1451"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}